Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Worst Ruler of All Time

I should probably precede this post by explaining myself a little. I am not talking like, King Henry type of ruler, here. I mean a regular, unassuming, boring ruler. Like, the kind you make lines with.

Why is a ruler, which is probably the most boring thing in the world, deserving of a blog post? Because I haven't posted anything for months and I feel obligated? Well, yes, but also because of this:

It is without a doubt, the worst ruler ever. EVER. Of all time.

I bought this tool the other day after being late for a Cloudscape meeting and realizing that I'd either left my good ruler on the bus, lost it in my 480 square foot apartment, or it had been stolen by rabid coyotes. In any case, it was gone, presumably never to be seen again.

So I stopped at a dollar store. I think it was named something along the lines of 'Happy Money Tree' but I can't remember exactly. I bought it for a dollar, without really even looking at it.

And that's when the hell begins.

1 - It is ugly as all heck.

I'm not trying to be materialistic or anything here, but it's made of cheap blue and red plastic. It sort of looks like Barney, if Barney were blue and also an aborted fetus. There is no love for this thing's appearance. Think Lonely Island's 'dream girl' in ruler form. It is hard to imagine, isn't it? Yes, that is how ugly it is.

2 - Not straight.

Well, it's kinda straight. It follows a line, I mean. But it's got some weird serrated edge so if you don't kinda hover your pencil over the side, you get TOTALLY SWEET bumpy lines all up your page. There are no straight lines in nature, sure. There are even fewer lines that look like alligator teeth.

Even the ends of the ruler aren't straight. They are curved. This means you cannot line the ruler up to make consise lines. This means 'winging it'. The ruler completely fails at it's primary function. If it were a boat, someone would sink it for it's uselessness.

3- I can't throw it away.

I don't know if I can recycle this thing. It is made of weird rubber-plastic. I'm assuming again, some sort of Barney fetus origin, but I could be wrong (and I promise I'll stop making fetus cracks now).

But I hate the idea of wasting things, or throwing things out unreasonably. Or wasting money. Which means this ruler is something I despise but cannot let go of. And I have a feeling rabid coyotes won't want it, either.

So what should I do with this useless article? This office tool that no office would want. The ruler so ugly it would make children weep and scream with terror?

I do not know. I do not think I can be saved from it.

- Christine


  1. Clearly, the response it to carry it on your person at all times, until such time as you find someone richly deserving of a blunt object tossed at their head. Then, the moment is yours.

  2. You have been hung up on this need to hit people with blunt objects today, I'm noticing. Is there something you want to say, Eric? xD

    I will heed your advice, regardless. Some day I will have my moment. Muwahaha.